Questoning My Motives

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about creativity and the nature of it. I have not been terribly consistent creatively since Laurie died and it is kind of starting to bug me. I know initially I just didn’t want to fall into the trap of writing music or anything that would be forever associated with losing my oldest, bestest friend. I couldn’t deal with letting the grief out that way. Truthfully, I was kind of worried I would do something I really liked and then I would have that sadness whenever I was inflicted with that art. I didn’t want to lose control of when I would feel the grief, I suppose.

But now it’s been almost two years and I am largely doing better, plus I created some of my own trauma to separate the moments.

I mean, sure, I have been writing in my journal, and my blog when I think I am writing something worth sharing, but music has been particularly difficult to come back to. I even got back into playing with video before I got happy with a musical piece. I have a few loops I have made that I like, but I really am determined to not use other people’s stuff in my art at this point. It just doesn’t feel right anymore. I’ve been doing this for decades now, surely I can come up with a melody I am fond of? Surely I can write a hook? Rhythm comes very naturally to me, well, writing rhythm does, anyways. Can’t play them for poop, but I can visualize them really well. I hear them in my head and then I visualize them as a grid and finally I put them into the DAW. A little backwards, sure, but it works. So I have a bunch of totally unrelated percussion bits, a hook or two, but no songs. Nothing that would be a song.

It’s around this point that I start thinking to myself “Self, what does it matter anyways? You’re not going to get anybody else to listen to this because you won’t do the necessary promotion and so as such, nobody cares. You won’t get views because you won’t promote. It does not matter who you know anymore, and why would (insert rock star acquaintance here) promote you anyways when you won’t promote yourself, you whiny little fuck.” and this where I start to question my reasons for doing this.

I always liked the answer that many of my heroes gave when I read about when they were asked about why they started making music and replied “I make the music that I want to hear.” That just seems like the best answer outside of the music was beating itself out of me, I had no choice. That’s what I thought I was doing, but I got so wrapped up in the idea of doing something with all of this that I think I lost sight of my core. I tried listening to a bunch of the things I had done in the past and I just really hate it. I know I’m not supposed to, but I do. All I can hear are the mistakes, how I would like it to sound or what it needs. Better ways to use the notes I used. And the stuff I made with Other people’s loops…oof. I’m sorry to all my friends. There are some good tracks in there, but the majority is just…Someone who got very high and enjoyed making himself hallucinate.

I do like a lot of the pictures I have taken, some of the grafix. I’m still learning how to use a camera. How to frame properly and all that, but I like where it’s going. I see definite improvement year over year, and not just because the equipment gets better. (Though it usually does help) I’m proud of the good ones in that field. There are some real stand outs to me. I don’t think I’ll be exhibiting any time soon, but I certainly wouldn’t mind hanging some of my photos if I could print them properly.

The videos are…Well, yes, they certainly are. They do exist. I’m not saying they are god awful, but you will notice how often I do them and how often I share them. Part of this is because I haven’t had anything to video in a while, and part of this is because I haven’t had any one to video in a while. Without people in the video, it just seems kind of pointless. Since most of my friends live at least four hundred miles West of me, it’s hard to get actors to let me film them. I think I had a model I could have used in the last place I lived, but I blew that the first time I photo’ed her. No directions, no comments, just a lot of “I dunno, whatever you think would look good.” Because I like to shoot myself in the foot where ever people are concerned.

I noticed a little while ago that I have not checked any of the analytics on Drama Adjacent since I started it. They are on. I just don’t look at them. I also don’t do a lot to promote it or check if there are comments or anything. I think I just don’t care with that. I’m putting it out there. If it’s good, people will read it. If it’s not, they won’t. But it’s my thoughts that I am willing to share with the world at large. So, hopefully somebody someday looks at it and says “Neat!” Or whatever. What I don’t get is why do I care if people like my music, but not my writing? I mean, I think the writing is not bad. It’s certainly entertaining. It’s a bit like the presentations, at this point enough people that I trust have told me it’s pretty good. The people that I Needed to like it, have liked it, so I am satisfied.